Emotional Manipulation and the Many Forms of Invisible Abuse

While the reasons may vary, the damage caused by emotional manipulation may last longer than the abuse.

What is Emotional Manipulation?

Emotional manipulation is using knowledge of another’s wants or needs to manipulate them or a situation. In our everyday lives, we have likely engaged or been the subject of some kind of emotional manipulation, but were not necessarily abused. A child making a pouty face to get a second cookie before dinner is not harmful emotional manipulation. It is the severity that constitutes abuse. People can be manipulated for resources, attention, or simply into being reliant on another person so that the other person can feel powerful. While the reasons may vary, the damage caused by emotional manipulation may last longer than the abuse. We often don’t realize we’re being emotionally manipulated until after we somehow get away from that situation.   

Emotional manipulation is also called psychological manipulation and is a recognized circumstance in the justice system. It can be accompanied by physical abuse and manipulation, but trauma is a mix-and-match experience. Typically, it will come with the same package abusers always use and is part of what narcissistic people use to draw their victims closer. We, who have survived trauma, feel like we deserved it because of the psychological manipulation. We can only realize our power when we acknowledge what has been ripped away from us and it is vitally important that we understand that all this guilt and shame was never ours, to begin with. Below I will take a look at a few forms of emotional manipulation I have encountered. 

 Gaslighting

There has been increasing attention brought to the tactic of Gaslighting, which is just one form of emotional manipulation, but I have found it to be one of the most damaging. The phrase comes from a 1938 play ‘Gas Light” where a husband aims to drive his wife mad to have her committed (Baresh, 2018). In the play, the husband would blame the wife for missing items he had secretly moved and claim that dimming lights were her imagination. The goal of gaslighting is to make another person question their perception so much that they inevitably hand over their agency to the abuser. It always begins with little things like claiming not to remember things they said and being mad at you for things you didn’t say.   

Exagerating

Exaggeration is a big part of gaslighting as well. If you had two beers and got a little tipsy that night, they will tell you the next night that you had a case and fell down the stairs. After a while, you will start to believe it and think that you have a problem with blacking out. Well, since you’re already an alcoholic, you may as well drink more, right? Then, the abuser becomes an ‘enabler’ by buying their victim alcohol so they can manipulate them into doing all sorts of things (i.e., sex). Alcoholism is a real diagnosable disorder and unless it’s your doctor telling you that you have a disorder, you are likely being manipulated.   

Guilt-tripping

Another common tactic of psychological manipulation is guilt-tripping. Sure, it is cute when a kid gives you a pouty face when they want something, but it is not normal for an adult to do this. It is not normal for an adult to use the words “If you love me, you will…” to start a sentence. In a healthy relationship of any type, you will never have to prove your love by doing trivial things, and if someone ‘loves’ you, they wouldn’t be using your vulnerability against you. This can take many different forms, but the main theme is that a person is made to feel guilty/responsible for another’s happiness (Ni, 2015) (Guha, 2021).  

Praising and Insulting Your Intelligence

The most damaging form of emotional manipulation I have encountered is someone questioning your intelligence. Many of us have had the lovely experience of being called stupid by a stranger, but when someone you are close to calls you this you a likely being emotionally abused. Every narcissistic person who has weaseled their way into my heart has had this one thing in common. In one instance it was a boyfriend, another a close relative, and many times, it was people who would call themselves friends.

One of the most telling signs that it is emotional manipulation is when they accuse you of being too smart as well as too dumb. It brings up your self-esteem when you receive their validation, and then they deflate you when they call you stupid. If you pay attention, you will realize that they will call you whatever name gets you to act the way they want you to. When you do something that you want, but they didn’t say you could do (yes, when they treat you like a child) then you will be called names. But, when you do something they told you to, you get praise. This causes you to change your behavior to avoid negative reinforcement. Maybe a person starts saying they’re working instead of at band practice. Maybe you just quit the band and stay home like they want you to. This is abuse.

Conclusion   

In conclusion, these are common signs of emotional/psychological manipulation. Though some kinds of manipulation are completely normal, the severity and consequences are what makes it abuse or not. If you find yourself questioning your sanity, quitting your favorite things, or lying to friends or family when you didn’t use to you may be the victim of psychological manipulation. Many of the resources listed below will have links to information on how to get help and get out of this situation, and I encourage anyone experiencing these situations to please seek the advice of more qualified people. 

References:  

Ni, P M.S.B.A (October 11, 2015). 14 Signs of Psychological and Emotional Manipulation. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/communication-success/201510/14-signs-psychological-and-emotional-manipulation 

Baresh, D Ph.D. (March 13, 2018). Gaslighting for Dummies. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/pura-vida/201803/gaslighting-dummies 

Rush, B. (October 19, 2020). 8 Types of Emotional Manipulation. Mind and Body. 8 Types of Emotional Manipulation – Body+Mind Magazine 

Guha, A. (April 22, 2021). Understanding and Managing Psychological Manipulation. Psychology Today.