I have an unpopular opinion, but I know I’m not the only one who feels this way. Now that I’m an adult I spend the entire year preparing and dreading the winter holidays. I hate to be a drag, and I know that it’s supposed to be a cheery time, but honestly it is stressful and sad. As we all do, I try to hold on to the good things about the holidays and let them make up for all the bad.
One of the most stressful parts of the holidays is how much travel is involved with the season. We must travel to go out to get presents, travel to dinner, travel to extra activities (like making cookies) to prepare for the holidays. Of course, it isn’t just us traveling, but everyone else too and a simple shopping trip is filled with hordes of equally stressed-out strangers all dragging themselves through their chores.
Then we consider all the extra things we must do, in addition to everything we already need to do in our daily lives. I am writing this post while waiting for cookie dough to refrigerate so I can rush to make cookies. Then after we make the cookies we have to get ready for Christmas Eve dinner, enjoy all of our hard labor and eat, and then rush back here to wrap the rest of our presents to see more family on Christmas day.
Some time later…
Well, I had to take a break from writing this post because of Christmas duties. It is now the day after Christmas, and I feel sluggish and spent. I am lucky that my boyfriend and I both have good families to spend the holidays with. We don’t worry about anyone getting into an argument, or any sort of abusive behavior. I am more fortunate than a lot of others in that my toxic family is extended family and I have been successful at not interacting with them.
Still the holidays are hard. We lost our mom about 5 years ago on thanksgiving, and my dad died 15 years ago two weeks before Christmas. It has been hard for me to celebrate the holidays for a very long time. Every year I think about getting my mom’s Christmas decorations out of the basement, and thinking about it is as far as I get.
Money has always been a struggle too and being broke around Christmas is like being single on Valentines Day. I always find a way to make presents happen and mostly make them for the past few years, but I like making presents, so it’s not really something I do because I’m poor. I also rounded up some money for Christmas presents by chasing reward points from my Internet Browser for a store gift card. That’s right folks, I bought Christmas presents with my internet searches largely due to writing this blog. However, even if I didn’t have presents, I know that my family wouldn’t be upset. I think a lot of the pressure I feel to get presents for people is self-imposed, but honestly, I just like giving presents.
Self Reflection Before New Years
As we move towards the new year, I find myself reflecting on what the past year has been like, and what I would like to leave behind and work on next year. I let my time get dictated by a lot of expectations, and many of them did not bear fruit. In my rush to get a job, I applied to a lot of places that I would not be good at, like retails stores due to the large numbers of people, and I wasted my time. I also spent too long working with organizations to assist with finding employment that did not work for me, and I think I should have been more proactive in “dumping them.” A large part of my healing is learning to trust my own judgement again and stop avoiding conflict. I think many who have been psychologically and emotionally abused also struggle with this. This was a year a realizing when I need to put my foot down, and that I won’t be dodging insults and physical attacks while doing so.
I was not able to spend as much time writing this blog because I was spread too thin, but I am hoping to be able to change that and set more time aside to focus on writing more helpful articles that really made this blog different and what it is. There are a lot of writings that need to be finished up and I’m hoping to start rolling them out after New Years, probably at least bi-weekly.
Also, exciting news, I did find a job in a different field than retail and call centers and I’m excited to start with them after the holidays. It is a seasonal office job and thought I’m super nervous about going back to work “in person”, I know it’ll be great. And I did make sure that the hours I accepted would still give me enough time to work on this blog, and my other passions because this year I put myself first.
The True Spirit of the Winter Holidays
Even though I find this time of year sad and stressful, I still enjoy it every year. Sure, maybe I can always count on bursting into tears from stress at some point, and it does involve a lot more obligations than normal everyday life, but it’s worth it. I get to spend time with people that I like and play games and eat food and share things and see people’s faces light up when they get your presents for them. The original spirit of the winter holidays is not all the pageantry, but it was a festival to celebrate the sun returning and being with people to support each other getting through the depression of winter. We give presents, but I suspect, originally those presents were useful to help our loved ones survive the winter.
People are more likely to die in winter than in other seasons. Sure, we can look up data showing it’s due to the flu or the danger of hypothermia or accidents caused by inclement weather, but I think it’s also for a lot of people in ill health, the wintertime is just their exit point. I am a very spiritual person, though I try not to talk to about it here too much in fear of alienating readers, but I don’t claim to know why people die when they do, I just know that death tends to favor winter meaning there is a high chance that many of us had to say goodbye to someone we love, sometimes unexpectantly, around the Holidays. It is hard to find meaning for the holidays after losing someone, and it takes time.
There are also many people who are alone for the holidays due to family passing on or coming from a toxic family system. I have seen people get “adopted” in other families before because they didn’t have any family. If you know someone who is alone for the holidays, I urge you to do something for them. Bring them a holiday meal, invite them to your holiday, whatever. You could have a neighbor next-door who you greet every morning, who is alone, and it may be their last holiday so do something for them. Of course, I mean this within reason because you should not feel obligation to help someone who gives you the creeps or isn’t nice and always respect your own boundaries.
Moving Towards A Happier Next Year
What are your thoughts on the new year? Comment below!
The Diary Of A Flopping Fish and any posts or articles published on Diaryofafloppingfish.com are not reviewed by a therapist or medical or mental health professional. Resources are cited and opinion is opinion. No advice or opinions in any articles replace professional advice from a doctor, therapist, or any other kind of health professional. The author is not a licensed professional of any kind.
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