Life is Messy

I wish that I could tell everyone about all of my wins, but truthfully I do keep them to myself and guard them. I know what I am proud of myself about, and I know what I fail at. If I invite others to share in my victories, there’s always a chance of being invalidated and then in an instant I’m defeated again. The truth is, even without sharing my wins with anyone, I still always feel defeated.

I keep picking myself up because failure isn’t an option for me. All of the self help websites, and tarot card readings say that I will succeed in my endeavors eventually so I keep trying. As a tarot reader, I know that you can’t put all your faith in divination to tell you what to do in your life. However, I need something to keep my spirits up so as long as I keep getting good news, I’ll keep reading my cards when I feel down. At least I get up and keep trying.

I always say that hope is always the last to die, and I do believe it to be true. As long as you have hope and you keep getting up again there is a chance of finding happiness and stability. Many of us have had to get all the naysayers out of our lives only to find out that they made such an imprint on us that now they live in our heads and how do we kick ourselves out of our lives? Well, we don’t. We change. We shrink the voice in our head that isn’t our voice until it is nothing more than a pathetic squeak. Some days when we are most vulnerable and have our guard down that voice tries to get loud again and we have to squish it back down again. That is just our lives from until forever is the battle with the infinite squeak of doubt. It will always be there no matter how much we accomplish, how much we make, or how many vibrant beings we surround ourselves with.

The truth is, everyone has this squeak of doubt and it does not matter if you were ever abused, or bullied, or abandoned. Even the most confident of people doubt themselves, and in my experience, those who seem the most confident doubt themselves the most. So don’t live your life feeling sorry for yourself about having so much self doubt, but remember that you are only human and we can only do the best that we can one day at a time. Life is messy and napkins are not available.