For many of us, the subject of family is a loaded one. I’m sure I’m not the only one whose blood family is large and diverse, and not everyone in a large family gets along. It’s fine not to get along with everyone, but it is dangerous to think you still have to associate with everyone regardless of how they treat you or what it costs to be “loyal.”
The Cost of Misplaced Loyalty
The truth is that as we go through the journey of life, we will need help along the way, and those we love will also need help at some point. There is an idea ever-present in American culture that “blood is thicker than water.” This idea is thought to be based on a Bible passage, but actually isn’t anywhere in the Bible. In dysfunctional family dynamics, the phrase is used to mean that you have to help family—“the blood”—as it is misunderstood, over anyone not related to you genetically. This is just one of the many ways that dysfunctional families practice boundary manipulation, because it forces us to break our own boundaries just because “it’s family.”
Many of us in dysfunctional families have both benefited and been harmed by this misquoted phrase. However, if it wasn’t this “Bible quote,” there would simply be another form of rationale used to make a person do something they don’t want to do. If you think about your own family relationships, you may find other ways you’ve been manipulated—and I would love to hear them in the comments.
Family Help Can Be a Double-Edged Sword
I have had family members drop everything for me and extend resources. Just a few examples: my brother and cousin helping with a stranded car multiple times, and an uncle giving me a fair scrap price when my car was beyond repair.
On the other hand, I’ve experienced “help” with strings attached—like relatives treating a rented room as theirs to give to my grandmother without refunding my payment for the week. Of course, in a dysfunctional family, I wasn’t even “allowed” to ask for a refund, as I would likely have been emotionally manipulated into feeling guilty for doing so.
Long-Term Damage: Abuse Patterns Beyond the Family
People who grow up in families like these become targets for abusers because they’re conditioned to take abuse, and often have nowhere to go. We were conditioned to bend our boundaries to keep the peace, ensuring everyone else’s needs came before ours so we can feel safe. When we finally are able to get away from the manipulative family, we end up with partners who are going to eventually abuse us the same way that our families did.
One reason is that we are conditioned to believe that abuse is love, and another is that abusers are looking for people like us because they know we’re already conditioned. So we end up with abusive partners, abusive bosses, and surround ourselves with it like old smelly clothes we’re smell blind to because we’ve been wearing them all our lives. When you finally start to wake up to how you’re being treated, you need a whole new wardrobe change because you’ll find that most things in your life stink.
Healthy vs. Toxic Help
Healthy help happens when you can support someone you love without violating your own boundaries. In my family—and in most families—not everyone is dysfunctional. Some of us support one another in healthy ways.
But there are also those who manipulate and abuse. The danger of the “blood is thicker than water” mentality is that it taught us not to discern good behavior from bad, as long as it’s family. However, this isn’t something that a brain can just interpret as only applying to family, and it results in a person not being able to trust in their own perceptions. The ultimate goal of emotional abuse is to confuse the victim so they can’t establish boundaries—they can’t trust themselves—and then they become tools and supply for the abuser.
The Hidden Trap of Gender Roles
Another common manipulation tactic in dysfunctional families is the enforcement of rigid gender roles. Cultural norms in America—plagued by 1950s ideals—dictate that women should care for home and children, while men work and handle “manly” tasks like mowing the lawn and fixing things. Just writing about this makes me physically uncomfortable.
I know women who mow the lawn (though I’m a scaredy-cat and not one of them), and I’m among those who don’t naturally gravitate towards children. I wasn’t naturally a babysitter—I was the youngest, without younger siblings, and I had poor relationships with kids growing up. Despite this, and me stating how uncomfortable watching children makes me, my family convinced me to babysit multiple times, and even dumped a gaggle of six children, of various relations to me, for me to babysit so they could go to bingo. Luckily a cousin came over to help (or takeover), but it was a terrible experience. A healthy family wouldn’t force gender roles or identities on children.
Wrapping Up: A Call to Awareness
In conclusion, I hope this has been a little eye opening into the sneaky ways that manipulation weaves its way through families. No family is all good or all bad, but it is dangerous to teach children to do anything for family. As we grow we develop a sense of self, a purpose, and most importantly, we learn to trust ourselves. If a child is prevented from doing these things they are being set up for a life of hardship, and abusive patterns.
What manipulation tactics have you noticed in your family?
Let me know in the comments!
References:
Eternal Bible. (n.d.). Blood is thicker than water – Full quote & Bible. EternalBible.org. https://eternalbible.org/blood-is-thicker-than-water-full-quote-bible/
Research in Practice. (2018). Coercive control: Impacts on children and young people in the family environment. Retrieved from https://www.researchinpractice.org.uk/children/publications/2018/december/coercive-control-impacts-on-children-and-young-people-in-the-family-environment-literature-review-2018/
Psychology Today. (n.d.). 10 things commonly said in dysfunctional families. Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/pieces-mind/201712/10-things-commonly-said-in-dysfunctional-families
The Diary Of A Flopping Fish and any posts or articles published on Diaryofafloppingfish.com are not reviewed by a therapist or medical or mental health professional. Resources are cited and opinion is opinion. No advice or opinions in any articles replace professional advice from a doctor, therapist, or any other kind of health professional. The author is not a licensed professional of any kind.
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