I keep opening up the WordPress App and opening up a blank post ready to write something, and then I don’t write it. Why? Well, honestly, I’m just angry and disjointed lately. It’s hard to tell my story while worrying about the backlash if Today I want to talk about some ugly truths that often hurt my ability to write my truths. Often our abusers keep us under their thumbs, not by action, but by the threat of action. When those abusers are ingrained as a part of a larger system, such as work or family, it makes it even harder to speak out against them or against the system. As we look to the generations of our families that comes after us, it is ever more important to tell them the truth about the family system they exist in hoping to keep them from perpetuating the same mistakes to the next generation, or being subject to the same mistreatment.
Why I Can’t Seem to Write
I keep opening up the WordPress App and opening a blank post ready to write something, and then I don’t write it. Why?
Well, honestly, I’m just angry and disjointed lately. It’s hard to tell my story while worrying about the backlash if the abuser or flying monkeys read this. It also makes me instantly angry when I start thinking about what is really bothering me, and has been really bothering me, and will always really bother me: that my family that I still talk to and love probably believes the shit my abuser told them.
I struggle with the exact same issue that everyone else who escaped an abusive family system suffers from—trying to pick up the pieces and constantly having others treat you as if what the abuser said was true and that you deserved everything. It is so hard to deprogram yourself when other people choose to believe the lies they were told about you rather than talk to you about it.
Why Do I Always Feel Guilty?
On the one hand, we were all taught that we never talk bad about family and always go out of our way for family. I don’t know if every family is this way, but I know every black sheep story I’ve ever heard involves this mentality.
If you replace the word “family” with any other word you’ll realize how toxic this behavior is. It communicates that it doesn’t matter how much family abuses your kindness, your resources, your confidence, or your right to make your own choices (as an adult), they are still your family and you have to do it, or hear it, or forgive it.
Then people who grow up in this inescapable abusive situation find partners and friends that treat them the same way because they think that’s what love looks like since it’s the same rotten fruit they’ve been forced to eat their whole life.
The cycle of abuse goes around and around.
“But, it’s family,” they say every time you raise a valid concern about the treatment or expectations of you or others.
Well, with family like this, who wants friends?
Helping vs. Enabling
Of course, there is still an amount that we should help family but helping and enabling are not the same thing.
A person should help family out if they’re able, but it shouldn’t be at the detriment of yourself. You’re also not required to help out people who have not treated you well. If you have gas money you can give someone, it would be an act of kindness if you did, but that same person shouldn’t just be relying on you as their gas cow just because they’re family.
Giving someone money constantly while they do nothing to better themselves is enabling, and also prevalent in a toxic family system.
Boundaries Are Not Disrespectful
If keeping my boundaries embarrasses someone, I am not the one who needs to do the reflection. Anyone in your life who loves you and wants you to succeed will encourage you to set your own boundaries and be who you are. The people who make fun of our flaws, or paint our strengths as flaws are not on our team. Calling the setting of boundaries disrespectful is another way to attach guilt and shame to any attempt we make to stand up for ourselves.
Social Manipulation in Everyday Etiquette
There are two things that a person should never ever do:
- Offer things that are not yours.
- Inviting guests to someone else’s party or house without asking them first
Anyone who does either of these is either knowingly or accidentally engaging in manipulation.
I find it entertaining to look at old etiquette advice sometimes just to see how much our accepted manners have changed over the decades. Some of this advice, though, is timeless, such as not inviting someone to another person’s party without asking the host first.
Sure, there are types of parties where it is almost expected that everyone is bringing someone—like to a block party. However, when it is a family barbeque or a small gathering of friends, it is expected to ask the host first if it is okay to bring a specific person and not ask the person first.
Example of Improper Invitation
“Can so and so come to your party?”
This is the proper way to ask.
“I asked so and so to come to your party, but I let them know I need to check with you first.”
These pressures the host and is emotional blackmail.
Inviting someone before asking the host is like emotional blackmail because if someone says no, it is likely going to result in the host feeling guilty and ashamed.
Borrowing & Boundary-Crossing
Letting someone borrow something that isn’t theirs is another form of manipulation that is especially used by families because the excuse is:
“They’re family, why can’t they borrow your personal thing?”
I did not have this kind of boundary-crossing happen to me often while growing up, but as an adult over the age of twenty-five, renting a room from older relatives, I encountered this often.
Imagine coming home from a long day of work to find another family member:
- Using your computer to access gaming websites (probably loaded with malware and adware)
- And when you check your phone for a text asking permission—you find nothing
Even better, to get the computer, they went into your room where they had no permission to be.
And then they’re mad at you because you’re upset and taking YOUR computer away from them.
Room Rentals & Legal Rights
I am also going to note here—especially because I know a lot are in similar situations—that when you are paying money to someone to rent a room, even if they are not the homeowner but also renting the home, they have no legal right to enter that room.
They have:
- No right to rent out that room to someone else
- No legal right to ask you to vacate the room—even temporarily—because they want to let someone else use it.
- If they want to evict you, they must go through the legal process of that state.
Renting a room = legal tenant rights
Even without a lease, you have protections.
Buying Something For Someone Does Not Grant Access To Use It
For abusive people, gift giving is just another way they manipulate people. A common thing I have encountered is that some people think that when they give a gift to someone, it also means they are allowed to use. However, when you give a gift to someone it does not mean you get access to that thing, and it certainly doesn’t give you a right of access to them either. For instance, if someone gave you a computer because you needed one, and you never asked for it, it does not give you the right to go in their room when they’re not home, take the computer out, and let someone else use it. Borrowing without asking is “Theft” and if that person were, say, paying you to rent the room making them a tenant, maybe they could also be guilty of trespassing.
In Conclusion
Guilt and shame are the primary tactics of emotional manipulators to gain and keep control over the ones that they have abused. It is scary to lay out the truth on the table and face the possible back lash from supporters of the abusers (jokingly called flying monkeys), and it is also hard to relive the experiences as you write or speak them. However, I hope my strength of communicating my lived pain empowers some of you to speak your truths. I hope that pointing out these obvious flaws in what is painted as love helps some figure out what is wrong in their lives.
Do you have a toxic family trait you want to talk about? I’d love to hear it! Comment Below or find me on social media!
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The Diary Of A Flopping Fish and any posts or articles published on Diaryofafloppingfish.com are not reviewed by a therapist or medical or mental health professional. Resources are cited and opinion is opinion. No advice or opinions in any articles replace professional advice from a doctor, therapist, or any other kind of health professional. The author is not a licensed professional of any kind.
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