Today I’d like to write a bit of an update and to reassure everyone that I’m not gone. Diary of a Flopping Fish is still moving along, thought it is going quite slowly. As I have written about before, it if very hard to balance other obligations and expectations while still have enough left in the tank to work on my own goals. Lately, I’ve taken a lot of time to think about what my own goals really are, and I’m possitive that this project still remains at the top of my priorirties, but carving a space for it in my world is not an easy task.
Regardless of how much I achieve in various areas of my professional and personal life, nothing is ever enough, and nothing ever quite fits. There is a lot between me and achieving my dream career, but I think what it mostly comes down to is finding the right opportunities to showcase my writing abilities. However, I don’t have the liberty of being only a creative (I don’t think many do) and I have to wade through non-writing employment opportunities at the moment to find a place where I fit that still leaves me with the resources to work on my goals at the end of the day, and I am yet to find that.
I am starting to think that maybe that opportunity doesn’t exist or maybe I should just give up on this whole thing. I know it takes away from my credibility in all the talk that I have made about “following your dreams”, but I am only human and perhaps the reason that the subject was on my mind so much was because I was trying to convince myself to keep going. What does following my dreams even look like anymore?
A Long Journey
I don’t like to share a large amount of personal details on this page because I can’t pick and choose who has this information and for safety reasons, it is never a good idea to put too much of yourself out on the internet. Through other posts I have made it know that I am a domestic violence and childhood bullying survivor, and also a surviving black sheep of my family. All of this has left me with a lot of mental and physical strife. The only thing I can really find that helps me feel at least a bit of confidence is writing about mental health and my experiences. There is a lot more that I want to do than just write a blog, but I can’t seem to figure out how to accomplish that.
For instance, I want to create a podcast and I even have the first episode recorded, but I don’t have a space where I can record it at the moment without unpredictable background noise and my time has been taken up with trying to organize my personal life. I want to start selling merchandise of some kind, but I haven’t had time to navigate creating designs. I even have a few other articles started, but I haven’t had time to do more research and finish writing them.
Struggling to Manage Expectations
So what have I been doing? Working a job that isn’t writing, looking for opportunites, and struggling to keep my head above water while not destroying my personal relationships. I would say that I’m not so much thriving right now as much as I am just trying to survive until tomorrow, next week, six months from now, or some other time in the future where the grass is greener. Unfortunately, the grass always looks greener in the future, but when I get to the future everything still always looks the same. Meanwhile, another year ticks by, and I’m stuck here standing still praying for a chance to do something I want to do for once in my life.
So, that’s where I’ve been. Stand by and maybe eventually I’ll have another article out.
If you have any tips on how to get out of this rut I’d love to hear it. Comment below or find me on social media.
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Diary of a Flopping Fish 
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