Many of us who grew up in difficult homes or were treated as outcasts during childhood struggle with setting boundaries as adults. For me, healing from trauma began with learning to assert those boundaries, something that felt both terrifying and unnatural at first.
We often learned early that saying “no” meant upsetting someone we loved. Maybe they lashed out, or maybe they withheld affection when we dared to express our needs. Over time, we adapted by staying small, quiet, and agreeable—survival strategies that later sabotage us in our pursuit of a fulfilling life.
CPTSD and the Guilt That Comes with Boundaries
As someone working through complex PTSD (CPTSD), I’ve come to understand just how difficult it is to reprogram myself. Being the “black sheep” often meant pleasing others just to keep the peace. Today, I still feel shame after asserting boundaries, something I now recognize as a symptom of trauma, not a reflection of my character.
CPTSD isn’t just a condition, it’s the collection of scars that trauma leaves on our bodies, minds, and souls. I’ve learned to pause and look at situations as if a close friend were telling me their story. Would I tell them to put up with that behavior? Or would I tell them to stand up for themselves? That shift in perspective helps me validate my own needs.
Boundaries Aren’t Just About People—They’re About Environment
The difficulty of setting boundaries goes beyond the need to please others. It affects people from all walks of life, including those in addiction recovery, those re-entering society after incarceration, and survivors of toxic relationships.
In recovery spaces, it’s common to see someone relapse within the first year. The same is true in the criminal justice system, where recidivism rates remain high. Often, people return to the very environments that enabled their struggles to begin with. We say, “You are who you hang around,” but we don’t always grasp how powerfully true that is until we find ourselves repeating old patterns with “the wrong people.”
The Cost of Toxic People and Trauma Bonds
The “wrong” people, and the “right” people, tend to travel in packs. Dysfunctional people often seek out those who are more emotionally stable, not to heal, but to exploit their energy. A toxic person will find a reliable, well-functioning friend to “watch their back” while they continue to make harmful choices. Sometimes they don’t even realize they’re doing it, but that doesn’t make the impact any less destructive.
Healthy people often sense when they’re being dragged down by toxic influences. But trauma bonding, guilt, and fear of change keep them stuck. I’ve experienced this myself. Letting go of toxic relationships felt like peeling off someone who was Velcroed to me—messy, painful, and full of resistance.
You Can’t Heal in the Same Place That Hurt You
We’ve all seen it—people trying to move out of toxic neighborhoods or break free from old habits, only to get pulled back in by familiar faces and routines. For those in recovery, moving back home often means falling into old patterns surrounded by the same people, places, and memories tied to their addiction or trauma.
Healing from trauma requires change, not just mentally, but physically and socially. You can’t create a new life while staying immersed in the old one.
Boundaries Are a Form of Survival, Not Selfishness
Healthy boundaries aren’t a luxury, they’re essential for survival. Without them, we risk burning out, breaking down, or losing ourselves entirely. It’s incredibly difficult to rise above the toxic shame that surfaces when we say “no,” but avoiding discomfort only keeps us stuck.
Recovering from trauma, addiction, or abusive cycles means embracing discomfort and choosing change, even when it’s unfamiliar. As the saying goes, sometimes we have to “choose the bear,” because staying the same is ultimately more dangerous than taking a risk on something better.
Toxic People Don’t Like Boundaries—And That’s Not Your Problem
Here’s the truth: the people who want to cross your boundaries are the ones most likely to resent them. They’ll make you feel selfish, paint themselves as the victim, and guilt-trip you into compliance. These are classic tactics from the toxic manipulator’s playbook. You’re not selfish for protecting your energy. You’re not wrong for enforcing your limits. The moment you take away their unrestricted access to your time, energy, or emotions, toxic people will often attack your sense of identity. Don’t let them win.
Letting Go Isn’t Giving Up—It’s Making Room
If you allow toxic people to dictate what you’re “allowed” to want, you’ll end up with nothing left to give the people who actually deserve your love. Sometimes, you have to let go of people stuck in self-destructive cycles—not because you don’t care, but because you can’t carry them anymore.
Maybe they’ll find their way and reconnect down the road, but your healing can’t wait for that. You deserve to grow. You deserve peace. And you don’t need to justify your boundaries to anyone.
Have you struggled to establish boundaries with toxic people in your life? Let me know in the comments! Find me on social media!
The Diary Of A Flopping Fish and any posts or articles published on Diaryofafloppingfish.com are not reviewed by a therapist or medical or mental health professional. Resources are cited and opinion is opinion. No advice or opinions in any articles replace professional advice from a doctor, therapist, or any other kind of health professional. The author is not a licensed professional of any kind.
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